


Already Gone (I Can See Your Halo)

by colormetheworld



Category: Rizzoli & Isles
Genre: F/F, Trigger Warning: Death, trigger warning: suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-10
Updated: 2016-10-10
Packaged: 2018-08-21 17:30:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8254318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/colormetheworld/pseuds/colormetheworld
Summary: Based on 2 prompts.Prompt 1: If you had to write a song fic, what would it be? I know you don't really do the whole weaving of lyrics into the story, but PLEASE? ILL GIVE YOU A COOKIEPrompt 2: Can you write me something that will break me? i understand its an odd ask, but i just feel i need it right now and your [sic] the only one that can do it right.The song is a mash up of Halo (Beyonce) and Already Gone (Kelly Clarkson). Preformed by the Harvard Opportunes. Available on Itunes and Spotify. It is relatively necessary to hear that arrangement before (or even better during) reading this one shot. READ AT YOUR OWN CAUTION.





	

Flashing lights when she pulls up. The frantic hope of an ambulance buffeted by the desperate terror on Barry Frost’s face.

She is out of the car without her keys.

With her bare feet on the January pavement.

She is sprinting towards the building. She is sprinting in the air when Frost lifts her off her feet to stop her. He is saying her name over and over again. She knows that by the way his lips move against her ear.

She can’t hear anything.

People are turning to look at her. That’s how she knows that she is screaming. There is Jane’s next door neighbor, windblown. Tear streaked.

Maura stops fighting. She goes limp, and Frost lowers her to the ground.  He’s saying what she already knows.

The note is still clutched in her hand, wrinkled where she’d pressed it hard to the steering wheel.

She hears a car screech. She hears Angela calling for her daughter. Resolute refusal to believe.

Frost doesn’t move from Maura’s side.

She can at last hear her own voice, just a whisper now.

“She’s gone.”

…

Black dress. Black high heels. Hair like…

Who cares?

She’s gone.

“Jane was the first real friend that I’ve ever had. I grew up in many places and, well, traveling like that, it meant that I built walls. It meant that I tried not to get close to anyone. Jane saw the walls that I built and she went right for them. She went right…went…right at them, and hit them hard and they tumbled down immediately. I couldn’t even put up a fight.”

Maura looks down at the podium. The notes of her speech blur and fade in front of her. She shakes her head.

“I didn’t even put up a fight. And when they fell…they didn't even make a sound.

“That was the way Jane was. She made things seem possible. You found you had to let her in, even if you were a suspect who shouldn’t. You just…never really had any doubts around her. Or, at least I didn’t. She was always so self-deprecating, but she was funny and smart and strong and…” Maura puts her hands flat on the wood surface in front herself. Forcing herself not to break down.

“And the first time we were together, when I woke up, she was still asleep and the sun was coming through the window and it was like she had a halo. I opened my eyes and I was in the light of her halo, and I said…I said:

I've got my angel now.”

In the front row, Angela blows her nose. Next to her, Korsak puts his arm around her, squeezing.

Maura looks up at the sky, as though that will stop the steady flow of her tears.

“Jane could wake you up,” she says, laughing despite herself. “She was, at the same time, one of the most loyal, righteous, courageous, risk taking, rule breaking people I’ve ever known.”

This gets her a laugh. Time to compose herself.

“I can still feel her presence everywhere. In my house, in the precinct. Here with us today… If I were the type of person to pray, I would pray for that feeling to be with all of us always. I would pray for it never to fade.”

 

…

 

_The note is on her kitchen counter, taped there like Jane thinks a breeze might blow it away. Maura smiles at the familiar handwriting. She does not immediately pick it up, but pulls her shoes off._

_Hangs her coat._

_When she finally settles over the letter to read, it only takes her three sentences to curse herself._

_She will wonder forever, for the rest of her life, if the three minutes she wasted would have made any difference at all._

_I’m looking at you right now, and God, looking at you makes it harder, but I know that you'll find another that doesn't always make you want to cry. It started with a perfect kiss. But…I could feel the poison set in. I’m poison, Maura. It’s nothing you did. Your perfect couldn't keep this love alive._

_You know that I love you so. I love you enough to let you go._

_I want you to know…that it doesn't matter where we’d take this road, someone's got to go.  
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better. But I want you to move on, Mo. _

_So I'm already gone._

_Fragments after that._

_Barefoot in the car, the feel of the gas and the clutch under the soles of her feet._

_One. Two. Three red lights. Running them all. Urging the car faster._

_Faster._

_Jane, don’t do anything stupid, don’t do anything stupid, please._

_Please._

 

_I’m already gone, honey, okay? I’m already gone.  
_ _I can’t make it feel right, when I know that I’m wrong.  
_ _Don’t come. I’m already gone. I know that there’s no way to move on if you found me like…_

_So I’m already gone._

 

……

……

They scream at each other in the cemetery, the civility of the wake long forgotten.

They blame each other. How could they not? Frost grips Maura tight around the upper arm, but he doesn’t tell her they need to go. He doesn’t tell her not to say the horrible things she’s yelling. He doesn’t do anything but hold her arm, and it occurs to her that maybe he is offering silent support.

Maybe he _agrees_ with her.

_Already gone_

Her sudden silence gives the other woman an opening. She murmurs her own brand of venom, slicing Maura through her breast bone.

This time, when she steps forward to put her finger in the other woman’s face, Frost puts his free hand on her back.

_I’m already gone._

Support.

“She was like the sun, don’t you get it? She was like the sun and she found me in my darkest night. She was the only one that I wanted. I was damn near addicted to her. We were both so scared that it took us ages to even admit that we were falling.”

_Already gone._

“It didn’t feel like falling. Falling suggests something negative. But it wasn’t She was the only one in the whole world who could pull me back to the ground again. We took a risk on each other, and it would have worked. We were all in.”  She is unattractive. Spitting. Sobbing.  Her hair is entirely in her face.

She does not care. “It’s not my fault she’s gone,” she screams. “It’s _yours_!”

 

_There’s no moving on  
I’m already gone_

 

 

_Her work does not slip. She does not speak to anyone outside of work except for Barry Frost. He moves into her guest house when Angela moves out. He joins her for coffee nearly every morning. He comes over when the game is on._

_They watch anything else._

 

_Remember all the things we wanted? It just feels like now all our memories, they're haunted by other people’s expectations. By their requirements. Your mom’s ice out. My mom’s endless tears. I can’t take it. It feels like we were always meant to say goodbye._

_And who am I to even say I have a right to you, Maura. I’m not good. I’m not a fucking good person. It never would have worked out right._

_And if it didn’t work out, I’d never forgive myself. And we were never meant for that. We were never meant for do or die._

_Just…know that I did this because I love you. I love you so, so much. I didn't want us to burn out, and I didn't do this to hurt you. But now it seems like I can't stop._

 

_He talks to her sometimes. He received a letter, like Maura’s. No. No, it wasn’t like Maura’s at all. It was a sentence of love and a sentence of trust. Not nearly as long as hers. He tells her that Jane said she loved him. He says, she told me to keep you away._

_He says, Maura, by the time I got there…by the time you got there._

_She was already gone._

…

…

A year of seeing Jane everywhere, and the first spring thaw finds her back in the cemetery. Back by the cool marble slate, less polished than it had been, but still clean. Maura had made sure it stayed clean.

Everything is fuzzy already. She would have liked more time, should have waited just a bit longer, though then she would have gotten cold before unconsciousness set in.

“Hi beautiful.”  Fingers against the name. “I thought I saw you in the bullpen today, as I was leaving. They gave a new woman your seat and she wears boots just like yours.” She puts numb fingers in her hair. The world tips a little, a side effect.

“It didn’t hit me hard this time though. I knew I was coming here, and so it was almost like a little good-bye. Does that make sense?”

Maura leans her head down, pressing her forehead to the slate. “It’s like everywhere I look now, I’m surrounded by you. By your embrace. Yesterday, it was truly sunny for the first time, and every time I blinked. Halo. Halo. Halo. Like that first morning we were together, Jane. Do you remember?”

Maura nods, like she can hear a response.

“I could see your halo, and I knew it was time.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She isn’t cold when she falls asleep.

It isn’t winter when she awakens.

Jane smiles and helps her to her feet, waiting for her to brush off her skirt before taking her chin in her hands and kissing her. She looks better than she ever has, and sadder than she ever has, and just as in love with Maura as she’s always been.

“You have a halo,” she says lightly, gesturing with a tilt of her chin. “You shouldn’t have come so soon.”

Maura links her hands with Janes. She shrugs.

“It doesn’t matter. I’m already gone.”


End file.
